the freezing cold

my bones feel like they might just crumble
dipped in liquid nitrogen as they seem to feel
my toes are so numb, im afraid i might stumble
or shatter, if i were to fall on my knees-

I'm staring wistfully at my summery bits of clothing
in colors of the rainbow, thin and light
and then at my heavy woolen's with some loathing
seems im dreaming the dawn and dreading the night-

dont feel like stepping out of my room at all
got the sniffles, the chills and my skin is now paler
the sun is just struggling to shine down the hall
wish I was an island bound, free pirate sailor

i miss the days laying in the sun by the pool
i so miss the heat, warm, gold and dazzling-
huddled up here I feel like a bit of a fool
with my head popping up out amidst all this wrapping

I cant WAIT for earth's axis to shift -
im so glad I wont have to suffer much more of this

cause soon I'm going to be far and away-
where the beach is beautiful, and its warm night and day!

on missing my girlfriends...

its easy to assume that one of the scariest things about moving from one city to the next is saying goodbye to your friends. friendships are built, treasured, sometimes laboriously dragged through tough times, counted on, depended on, taken for granted...and of all friendships, for a girl, I would have to say your closest girlfriends make up a beehive of a world full of shared secrets, love, problems, heartache, fights, work, discussions, nights chatting away or dancing till the morning- but all activity happens within this little beehive. a girlfriends code is pretty strict- "no information is allowed to leave this circle"- and thats what makes these relationships tighter and tighter. wrapped and sealed together in bonds of trust and faith.
I lead a remarkable volatile life...and I'l be the first to accept that. My life suddenly bends, twists, turns, drops, soars- i cry, lose my mind, am elated, take a risk, find my footing, fall all over again- and with the speed of a spinning darvesh!! and through it all, my girlfriends have been there to support me like pillars of granite. I have heard from them, that I am as demanding as friend as I am giving, and I hope that is true- because what else is a friendship except for complete acceptance, complete honesty, complete love?
I should hope, that when I move and make new friends, they should also be able to say the same about me- because a friend to me is someone i CAN take for granted. and someone who knows beyond a doubt, that nomatter the petty differences we might have no and again,against the larger grain- I would never let them down.
I'm really going to miss my girlfriends....

Bucket List

so we all know what the term means right? A list of things youd love to do before you, so to speak, kick the bucket- die. cop it. depart the world of the living and go wherever your belief's take you (or come right back, eventually, or immediately)...
the strangest thing is, time is running out. human beings have the most curious ability to completely detach ourselves from the truth of our mortality, for if we were to constantly ponder this fact, we might not be able to live at all. there would be interminable riots, worldwide depression. I love the way we are able to forget, that we only have a certain number of years left. And judging by the ratio of the fragility of the human body against the ever complicated world we keep building outside of ourselves, that number of years becomes ever more unpredictable...
coming back to the bucket list- does it even really make sense to make a list anyway? every day we think of things, and a flashpan thought in our mind goes something like, "someday...someday i'm going to buy a home in italy"...or 'someday, im going to have the courage to sing on a stage"...or even, "someday, I really want to cut my hair short"...but do those, somedays ever come? does life hand you a warning before it runs out on you...nope.
so death is unpredictable. and it isnt possible to dump your structured life to go chasing after the things you wish you could do before the curtains close. but maybe you should sit down and make a list anyway...do what you can, when you can. because 'someday' isnt going to get here unless you make it happen.

planning the night

finally it seems like its four
but my thoughts are still at war
i cant decide- whether tonight
will i fade or or will i shine bright

there are too many things i could do
at least five plans stirred in the brew
i could do dinner with three different groups
but then id be twisting myself in a loop

i want to go dancing at some point
and flex out the freeze from my joints
but that wont be, before one in the morning
i hope by then im not tired and yawning

either way post nine i must be active
even though my bed looks mighty attractive
better soak in the plan options while i have some
by next month il be lucky to have one

if only it wasnt so cold and foggy
and I wasnt feeling so groggy-
there was a time when i waited for evening
sitting at work and party plan weaving

i hope i manage to pull together somehow
right now im feeling like a lazy cow
i hope i dont switch my phone on silent
and pass out- cause then the crowds

might get violent!

snippet

sitting here wasting my time,
shouldnt even bother to rhyme
but it seems I've got nothing else
to do with my floundering time

Auto CAD has me going blind
I think im slowly losing my mind
cant believe its just three
feels like centuries to me
having talent to design-
is a crime

its friday and I'm not sure
if i should stay in bed-
or step out my door...
its gotten so cold
my bones are feeling old
i sound like a bore
but im fried to the core
cant believe it isnt even four

Bombay dreams

I love the feeling those two words put together invoke, because Bombay is really the city of dreams. Everyday thousands of people immigrate and somehow find nooks and cranny’s to settle and slide into- the city seems to have the qualities of a magic sponge, it just keeps soaking in a million hopes and dreams and bodies into its ever layering folds.

I never thought, frankly even until one full week ago, that I would consider jumping into this mad rush and fray.

I’ve always loved New Delhi, with its beautiful wide roads, its trees and parks and gardens. The feeling of space you get while driving down the toll or even in central Delhi.

I’ve always KNOWN where to go in this city: I know where to get my laptop fixed, I know where to buy the cheapest most exotic fabrics, I know the little pubs and dive’s which play live music. I know where to get my boots made, and my leather jackets tailored. Which art stores hold the best supplies and which malls charge what for parking on any given day of the week.

I know the managers at the clubs I like to frequent, we exchange pleasantries as I walk in at 2 AM, or 3…or 4…

I know where to go, if I’m in the mood for hip hop, trance, jazz or rock.

I know where I can buy dye pigment, and where all the 24/7’s are located. And which ‘paan walla’ is open past 12. Where I can eat after a solid night (morning) of clubbing…

I know the roads, and where I’l find the most traffic at what hour.

I know this city. Inside out. I’ve lived here most my life. Everywhere I go I run into people I know, even when I’m alone here, I’m really not.

But Mumbai…

I don’t anything! I have a handful of friends I’m counting on. I’m so fortunate my flatmates are friends too.

But I don’t even know where I can buy a toothbrush, let alone find a salon that knows how to trim my fringe just right!!

The job I’ve found is something I’ve always wanted to do- but Its in a field I don’t have all that much experience with. The streets are unfamiliar. Even the smell takes time to get used to.

Nobody knows me, I’m anonymous. And that’s both a very good thing and a very scary prospect…

In a month I’m going to be walking down new streets, with a new set of keys and new job to tackle. There will be nights I sit by the sea wondering what the hell I was thinking leaving my entire existence behind on a whim, and hours spent lost on the road with no idea how to get home!

I’d be lying if I said I’m not scared. But that’s what makes me want to make this move happen. The fear and uncertainty- it is true we only feel the most alive when we are on the cusp of something stupid and reckless…

My decision came as an epiphany on Saturday the 27^th of November ’10. as I sat thinking in the train on my way to the Ajmer Sharif Dargah. I pondered the stagnant security of my life. And the fact that you’re only young as long as you can take a risk and live with a decision. And so I decided to move.

Within a week I now have an apartment, I have a job. The decision snowballed in such a direction that I now have made peace with my parents. A miracle in itself!

I will miss my home with its beautiful garden, its large clear windows with the sunlight streaming in and the memories on its porch. Christmas at home setting up our tree with mom, watching the evening light filter through the trees, and the parrots that loved to eat at the banquet that is my mom’s bird-bath and feeder.

I’m going to miss my own little rented room with its fairy lights and air of great love and great heartbreak. When did it change from a bed and breakfast to home? When did the bed become comfortable, and the walls- familiar?

I will miss my parents of course, just as we’ve started to reconcile. But I hope this move will only help cement our relationship…

and I will miss, I will really really miss my doggy Gia. She has grown up in my arms, and the thought of not being able to see her a couple of times a week is almost unbearable.

I will miss my friends. So much. They have supported me in ways I cannot explain. But I know they aren’t going anywhere, cause I wont let them!

Delhi is like a warm comfortable bed in the dead of winter, where I’m tucked in with a book and a cup of tea. So content. And so inert!

And Bombay- right now, Bombay is like a new relationship. Its fresh, its new and exciting. A bit scary and thrilling and you have no idea where the ride going to take you-

But I’m on, baby. I’ve bought my ticket and wrapped up my loose ends. And I know without a doubt, that my life will never, be the same again.

Life is too short

the most cliche statement, and yet probably one that makes more sense than a lot of the gibberish constantly thrown out into the air. I cant speak for the world, but as much as I aim to have no regrets in my life, the few I do are generally un-fixable because I didnt realize the value of this one statement till it was too late. I couldve been there when my grandmother passed away, but I was too busy living my twentieth year to the fullest, kept thinking i'd go visit, until it was too late.
if you have something to say, or somebody to visit or something to fix, do it now...
I 'm actually more in a space to write this piece now, more than I have been in my entire life. I'm standing at a place where I'm really working at trying to fix things with my family, let go of my ego a little, make a little corner for forgiveness, and another one for compromise.
There are many things, most, in fact, that we can lose but still gain back again. but there are some things, delicate things, like love and relationships and forgiveness, life and death- that once lost, perhaps cannot ever be fixed. sometimes the rifts grow wider, and bridges burn till there is nothing left-
what is the point of holding a grudge?
there are things we cannot forgive, but there are also things we can.
situations we cant fix, but also situations we can....
starting anywhere, is better than not moving at all